Earlier this week, Seattle made national news -- so I'm told -- for becoming the first major city in the country to all but outlaw strip clubs. The city had a 17-year ban on the opening of new strip clubs, but when that law was ruled unconstitutional (finally!) the Mayor and City Council quickly acted to not only discourage new clubs from opening, but to all but kill off those who were doing business for years.
The new laws, which include no direct tipping (they actually want "tip jars" on stage now) and brighter lighting are pretty bad. But the big one is the new law mandating that dancers and patrons keep a minimum of four feet of separation. In other words, no more lap dances.
Aside from this being a case of legislating morality that should be ruled unconstitutional, it's also quite hypocritical. This is Seattle. It's one of the great un-churched, liberal bastions left in this country. It's a place where the annual Hemp Fest all but encourages the mass smoking of marijuana. It's a place where the city helps organize an annual nude-bicycling event. The Seattle Gay & Lesbian parade is enormous! Yet, we can't get a freakin' lap dance?
Well, aside from the knockout blow this delivers to bachelor party planners throughout the region, it also means the city can all but kiss their hopes of one day hosting the Super Bowl goodbye. And the All-Star Game? Sure, it was just here in 2001, but despite the world-class sports complexes, it won't be back again. Men like women. Athletes love women. And like it or not, when guys go away to conferences or for sporting events, more than a few finish their night in a strip club. Don't think for one second that this isn't going to factor into the decision making process of the NFL's head honchos when they're deciding whether or not to bring the big game up here. Last year, all we heard for a week from the sportswriters covering the Super Bowl was how boring a place Jacksonville was. This matters. Especially now that the Super Bowl (and All-Star Game) is essentially a giant corporate party where average fans aren't invited.
Oh, and as if on cue, yesterday the NFL announced Miami as one of the upcoming Super Bowl hosts. Yes, Miami of South Beach fame, where topless women are as common as imported palm trees.
But aside from sporting events, these new laws have already had a serious effect on the local police force. It seems the men in blue have no, shall we say, outlet anymore and have decided that simply getting a prostitute to agree to perform a sex act for money wasn't convincing enough. They need to actually have her perform the act to be really, super-duper, beyond-a-doubt, you-wait-till-your-father-gets-home, guilty! That's right, area police thought it best if they allow the prostitute to masturbate them before making the arrest.
And these tactics were supported by the Lynnwood city police chief. After all, if they can't get a 20-year old college student to grind on their clothed crotch off-duty, the only other option is to have a 40-year old crack addict jerk them off while they're on-duty.
So, next time you're on the west coast and feeling a bit horny. Come to Seattle and find yourself a whore. Sure, she might have a disease and be a bit more expensive than the lap dances you're used to getting everywhere else. But you'll have the peace of mind knowing that if she was clean enough for the Lynnwood Police Department, she's probably clean enough for you too.
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