I'd Like to Thank the Academy

So last night was the big night. It was the night after Memphis's unbeaten streak came to an end and the world sat and wondered, "What will we possibly watch on television tonight?" One network had an answer: The Academy Awards.

This is what I know about last night's Oscars broadcast: John Stewart was funny, but seems awkward. I also learned that the Coen Brothers apparently made a movie this year. That movie won them a bunch of awards, Johnny Depp won zero, and a stripper won for best screenplay. I don't remember for what movie, but I know she had a tattoo that looked just like the girly pics soldiers painted on the sides of their planes in the movie Pearl Harbor.

I don't remember many details because I came up with the perfect Oscar-viewing plan. I exhausted myself all afternoon on a 5-hour mountain bike ride. Then I drank a bunch of beer, showered, and laid on the couch right at 5:30 when Jon Stewart was coming on stage. 15 minutes later I was sound asleep and, according to my wife, proceeded to mumble the words "Who", "What?", and "Why?" on and off while sleeping for the next three hours. As far as she was concerned, I was awake and just echoing her own sentiments as she sat and watched... and waited for a movie she had actually seen.

I did get up to pee at one point and saw the musical performance for one of the two-dozen songs from Enchanted. It was the one with 600 people on stage and the lady in the white dress was asking the same question over and over, and the reggae dude was trying to get her stoned. At first I didn't know if we were still watching the Oscars or if Kristin had changed the channel to CNN and this was just Nancy Grace orchestrating an elaborate reenactment of the Natalee Holloway death.

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take you...

And back to sleep I went.

I woke up in time for Best Male Actor and was really upset that I couldn't complain that Clooney and Depp were robbed because I hadn't seen any of the movies nominated. So I protested the rest of the show and went back to sleep.

It was my best Oscars in years. And while I'm at it, let me take a moment to thank the writers for ending their strike and letting the show go on. Without their ability to come to an agreement, the Oscars would have been cancelled and I would have risked staying awake and watching some worthwhile programming.

So I too would like to thank the Academy. Thank you deeply for scaring off all the decent programming last night and for helping me get a nice long nap in. Without your efforts, I'd be useless today. I'd be groggy, grumpy, and my whole day would be shot. They said it couldn't be done but you gave me HOPE and you helped me believe in my dreams and, dammit, you were right. I could fall asleep! I could take a 3 hour nap! And best of all, I didn't miss a thing. Watch out world, I'm well-rested and coming to get ya! As Barbara Streisand might say, "thank you, gorgeous!"