Paging Mr. Kissinger

Would the kind sirs and madams who continue to call my house asking for Leanne Kissinger and her doctor-husband please stop.

There has not been a Kissinger at this number for nearly 4 years, yet the calls continue to come nearly once a week. And sometimes the caller isn't even asking for the parents, but it will be a little girl asking if Sally is home. I don't know who this mysterious Sally is but I do know that if other little girls kept in better contact with their friends, they might not be calling the wrong number four years after it was changed.

It seems the problem is that we've been too polite with these people.

I've been a good boy up until now and have refrained from making any of the biting comments I wish I could. But no more! I've been woken up by these people for the last time. That's right, they never call at 1am when I'm awake. Instead they call at the ungodly hour of 7am. Who calls people at 7am? Heathens, thats who! And heathens need to be punished!

So I'm creating a list of appropriate responses and going to tape it to each phone in the house so that Kristin and I will remember to help make sure these calls finally stop. I can't afford to spend the next four years answering calls for someone I'm not.

Top Ten List of Things to Tell People Who Ask for the Kissingers:

1) Who is calling? Yeah, err... wow, this is awkward. Leanne told me to ask that you never call her again. But if it makes any difference, she said she'll be sure to pray for your forgiveness.

2) Oh, you're with the PTA. Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. We've decided to home-school Sally now because of the trouble you've caused!

3) You're calling about the test results? Are you sure? Well, I hate to say this, but its definitely Alzheimers. Yes, I'm sure. What else could account for you forgetting your doctor changed his phone number four years ago?

4) No, Sally can't come to the phone right now but can I speak with your mother? ...pause... Yes, hello, I just want to ask that you have your daughter stop calling Sally. Leanne and I both think she's a very bad influence on our daughter and would prefer them to not be friends. Thank you.

5) How dare you! It's not bad enough I catch your husband banging Leanne in the backseat of my car, but now you want to go out with her too! You people make me sick!

6) I'm sorry but the doctor is not accepting calls at home any longer... I understand it's an emergency, but the doctor has had enough. He says you can either call 911 or simpy wait to see him on Monday, err, I'm sorry he's golfing on Monday and Tuesday this week. Can he see you on Wednesday?

7) Oh, I'm sorry, but Sally said she only wants to play with the popular kids from now on. Yeah, she said you have cooties.

8) No this is Leanne's niece/nephew. She's in the shower hold on a second. ...pause... she said she's going to be in your neighborhood in a half hour and wants to know if you want to meet for lunch? She says she'd like to go to that little sandwich shop you like so much. Okay, meet her there. She'll call if she's running late.

9) I've gone over your records and, well, I don't know how to tell you this but I really think you ought to see a veterinarian. Don't be alarmed it's just that you show all the symptoms of how mad cow disease manifests in humans and I think you need to be seen by a bovinologist.

10) Okay, listen up. You're not a part of the Kissinger's lives anymore. They changed their phone number four years ago and didn't bother to tell you. Get the hint. Wait? Is that your real voice? No wonder they didn't tell you their new number! Have you thought about just using text messages?