This is a public service announcement for western Washington and all surrounding areas: The day we feared has arrived. The Killer from Carolina is back to her old ways and she's making her mark here in King County.
She is said to be no more than 32 inches tall at the shoulder and weighs a mere 54 pounds, but these stats belie the power she holds. Her legal name is Annana, but she often goes by the alias "Pretty Girl". Not one to raise her voice, this calm, attractive female often portends to be quite lovable. Some have even looked into her icy blue eyes and called her adorable. These comments were obviously made by humans of average height or by children. No, humans need not worry in the least because this particular murderer knows not to bite the hand that feeds it. She's after lesser creatures...
Her story begins in eastern North Carolina, in the city of Greenville where she first made her home. It was there, in the sandy backyard of her first residence, where she claimed her first kill. It was a mole. A short while later, obviously smitten with the taste of blood, she leapt in the air and took a bird right out of the sky -- while she was harnessed and under restraints! Yes, that was a dark day for birds indeed. And it's when she got her nickname "Daddy's Little Killer". Shortly thereafter Killer, for short, moved on to lizards and the occasional snake, but it's clear to us now that she never forgot the wonderful sweet taste of bird.
Flash forward to June of 2006. Killer has now lived in Washington for nearly four years and, as far as authorities are concerned, she's not been responsible for any deaths. Apparently she was simply biding her time. It's reported that sometime between 6:30 and 7:55 this morning, a bird entered the Walsh residence through the ventilation of their stove's exhaust fan. Killer was holing up with the Walsh's and is believed to have leapt into action the second the grease screen hit the range. This was the moment she had been dreaming about since that warm summer day in North Carolina, years ago when she bagged her first bird. It was a chance to take another one, to end the life of a flyer. Killer has whiled away many afternoons gazing at these creatures through a window and cursing their mobility. And now one has made the ill-fated mistake of entering her domain.
Based on the relatively few scattered feathers and three small drops of blood on the living room carpet, the five-inch tall starling's struggle for survival was short-lived. Killer, having proven to herself that she hasn't yet lost the touch, was found lying near the corpse with a frighteningly satisfied look on her face. She put up no argument when coroners came to take the body away, as if expecting it to happen. Her work is evil, but at least it's clean.
Experts expect Killer to strike again. If you're neither canine nor human and are under the height of 10-inches tall, consider yourself warned. Killer should not be approached without at least two Snausages or one Pedigree-brand Jumbone. We repeat, do not approach without at least one Jumbone. You've been warned.