Rules of Java

Much to the joy of everyone who was ever disappointed by the Bibo Coffee shop here in my development, a new Starbucks opened up in Snoqualmie Ridge in recent weeks. Even better, a fanciful Zoka Coffee shop is set to soon open in the Bibo's space directly across the streeet from the Starbucks. Given this explosion of coffee feasting, it seems like now would be a good time to set some New Rules.

My apologies to Bill Maher...

New Rule: If you are in a coffee shop and use more than ten words in describing a single beverage request, the person behind you in line gets to kick you in the ass.

New Rule: If you are ordering coffee drinks that cost several dollars each, do not throw a temper tantrum about Washington's high sales tax. This goes double if the diamonds on your fingers are larger than your knuckles.

New Rule: Do not threaten the barista that "next time you'll go across the street". Zoka isn't even open yet and I'm already tired of hearing this. Well, actually I haven't heard anyone say it yet, but it's only a matter of time.

New Rule: Leave your dogs outside. Nuff said.

New Rule: Leave your children outside too while you're at it.

New Rule: It's perfectly acceptable to hog an entire table with your 20" widescreen laptop for two hours while you nurse that grande soy latte, but adding machines and rolodexes are strictly forbidden.

New Rule: If you are conducting a job interview for new baristas in the middle of the cafe, please do speak up so we can all hear how important people skills and being courteous are. I'm sure everyone would rather listen to your blather than continue quietly reading their fifteen pound copy of Harry Potter.

New Rule: Cellphones are strictly forbidden but an exception will be made for those with wireless headsets. However this exception only applies to those who have actually had Scottie beam them up.

New Rule: The only discussion of temperature should be about the weather. You are not so special that your venti no-whip sugar-free caramel mocha has to come at a certain temperature. Get over yourself.

New Rule: Do not question the tip jar. You throw bartenders a buck just for removing the twist-off on your bottle of Michelob Ultra, give the barista the same treatment. Even if all she did was pour you a cup of drip coffee, she still had to put up with your whiny ass.


Jackie said...

Amen! I worked in several coffee shops and internet cafes to support myself in college and let me tell you, those observations/rules are RIGHT ON! Is it any wonder that I'm a lonely lab rat who never sees the light of day? ;-)

Doug Walsh said...

Glad you enjoyed it.

I worked a coffee shop back in, gasp, 1993 or so. Right after I graduated high school. It was actually worse than a coffee shop though, because it was in the mall. At least coffee shops weren't quite so en vogue back then and we weren't really that busy.

I still remember this one guy though. He would come in every morning (he worked in the mall) and ask for a large coffee with 13 sugars. I kid you not! 13 sugars. One day I purposely put just 12 in. My back was to him and he couldn't possibly see. He paid and left, only to come back a few minutes later asking me if I counted correctly because "it tastes like you may have only put 12 sugars in". I nearly fell over with shock.

Jackie said...

hahah that's insane! you'd think that at some point he'd have reached ceiling where no more sugars would make a difference for the sweetness! Fortunately for me, people sweetened and, er, creamed their own coffee. :-)