I Liked it Better When They Ran Away

Four times.

There was a loud knocking and ringing of my doorbell four times yesterday afternoon and each and every time I went to the door, I was met by a kid looking to sell me something. First it was a Cub Scout selling popcorn. I declined politely and saved the comments about their homophobic organization until the door was closed. Then, a couple hours later the doorbell rang again. This time it was some girls selling I-don't-know-what to raise money for I-don't-care-anyway. I told them now wasn't a good time, shut the door, and realized that they'll probably be back tomorrow in hopes that then is a better time. Crap, I'd have to get more defensive.

A loud knock came nearly an hour later. This time it was a pair of boys selling what I can only assume was the same candy/candles/canned-yams as the girls. I didn't wait to hear their pitch. "Sorry, guys, not today." Vamous!

All of this opening and closing of the door was tiring me out. The MNF game was about to come on so I grabbed a beer from the fridge, turned on the game, and promptly fell asleep. KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK! Another one. I wake up and stumble to the door, open it, only to find a mother standing next to her Cub Scout. I kid you not, she looked at me, turned halfway to her son, and used her hands to elegantly present the boy just as the Barker's Beauties have presented oh-so-many vacuum cleaners and jet-skis over the years on the Price is Right. I'm not sure, but I think I may have seen her mouth the word, Tada! as she waved her outstretched hands in front of her son.

"Oh, you're too late. Another Cub Scout already got to me earlier today." It wasn't an outright lie. Another Cub Scout did come earlier in the day. If she wants to interpret my words as meaning I had already been sold popcorn, that's her prerogative. Either way, Scram!

When we first moved in to this neighborhood three years ago, I made sure to buy something from every kid that came knocking. After all, I know they don't enjoy doing it. I didn't like selling popcorn and wrapping paper when I was a kid. I know it's the adults that put them up to it, but I felt like buying something would be the neighborly thing to do. That's how I used to feel. At first. Before I realized that the kids don't ever stop coming.

Well screw that. The problem with buying stuff from these kids it only encourages their parents that it's a viable method of raising money. And in a neighborhood like ours where every house is so closely spaced -- and nearly everyone has kids except us -- if we don't put an end to this soon, they're going to continue mining the entire neighborhood and either one of two things will happen. The entire community will get fat from all of the Girl Scout cookies and candybars they've purchased. That, or somebody's doorbell is going to be rung one too many times by one too many kids and they're going to snap.

And if yesterday had a few more hours of daylight left in it, I may have been that person.

The "No Soliciting" sign has been ordered. Let's just hope these kids know how to read. And the Mormons and Jehovas too, for that matter.

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